Years ago, I said this to my boyfriend in a fit of fury:
“If you love me, then why don’t your actions reflect it? You say that you want to be together and have a family, but you haven’t proposed and don’t seem interested in making joint decisions in life together. I don’t think you really love me. Or maybe you’ll never be ready for commitment.”
I so badly wanted someone to show me that I was worthy of unconditional love. I wanted men to prove to me that I was not broken and unwanted.
But the truth is: no matter how hard any of them tried, they couldn’t give me what I was seeking.
No amount of flowers, romantic getaways, proclamations of eternal love and post-coital embraces could prove to me that I am lovable, worthy and whole.
When I recognized this pattern of looking for love in all the wrong places, I was horrified at how deeply this wounded and dissatisfying self-view ran through generations of my family.
And I could not stand the thought of passing it down to my future children.
There was only one choice: find self-love or give up on love forever.
I Marry Me.
The Ceremony
I read many books, attended various self-help seminars and practiced yoga and meditation – they all helped bring new perspectives on how to love and nurture myself.
However, there was one defining day when my self-love affair became a committed union.
On a sunny Sunday in 2007, I walked into a morning service at Agape International Center a single woman. And I walked out a married one.
That day, the brilliant Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith took each participant through a ceremony of marrying our Highest Selves.
He invited us to recognize a primary relationship that all other relationships are built upon. If we don’t commit to walking hand-in-hand with our Source Self, then we have nothing to give to others.
If we don’t marry Sprit, then we will never find what we are looking for in any human union.
The wisdom and poignancy of his words pierced to the very core of me. I had one of those AHA moments that shook me to at all levels. And awakened me to a new paradigm.
I no longer felt the desire to base my life on finding “the one” to settle and have a family with. Because I have already found ‘him’ – and it’s me.
Rev. Michael asked us to take our own hands and repeat: “I, Lana, take you, My Highest Self, to be my partner. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad… I will love you and honor you all the days of my life….”
The day I married myself in that center transformed the rest of my life forever.
And the best part: This union is something I can count on lasting forever.
While relationships with others wax and wane, my matrimony to my God-self is ever-present. My partner in this union cannot and will not leave me or come into separation of any sort.
This is the marriage I’ve always wanted.
The Ring
After I walked out of that service, I marched straight to the book store at the center and asked them to show me their jewelry case.
I selected three rings that called to me, laid them out on the counter, closed my eyes and glided my right hand over them, feeling for heat and tingles.
I didn’t look at the cost. I didn’t choose the prettiest one. I let my Inner Wisdom choose the perfect one for me.
When I opened my eyes to see which one I selected, chills washed over me.
It was a simple solid silver band with the word “Gratitude” engraved on the outer rim. It was the perfect wedding band.
Gratitude is the language of love.
My first wedding ring.
I put it on my left-hand ring finger and didn’t take it off until 2 years later, when my now-husband replaced it with an engagement ring.
That band served as a daily reminder of my unwavering commitment to following my truth. To living my life in alignment with my soul.
I was married to my Highest Self, to all that is good and powerful in me, the true me. I knew that this was a union that will always be my primary marriage.
The Wedding Party
The only thing that was left was to throw myself a lovely dinner party celebrating my wedding!
I invited a few close friends for dinner, including my now-husband. They all knew the reason for gathering and got in the spirit of the celebration by bringing gifts and cards!
We laughed and cried and spoke poetic words of eternal love.
And this time I believed it.
I felt like I had finally found what I have been looking for: a partner in life that I could always count on, someone who always had my best interest in mind and loves me unconditionally.
I had arrived! I married a keeper! And this partner has been under my nose all along. Literally.
This is a fairy tale that I can whole-heartedly recommend reading to little girls.
No princes to save us. No needing to be perfect. Remembering that we are already wanted. Already loved. Already celebrated and appreciated in a way that no man (or woman) could ever do.
Because when you marry your Highest Self and live with the knowing that Spirit is your partner – you will stop looking for happiness and love outside of yourself.
Instead, you will find relationships that are based on spreading the joy and adoration that you already feel inside.
So this Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a committed relationship or not, celebrate the union between you and You.
Buy yourself flowers, go out to dinner with loved ones, write love notes to yourself, put on your best lingerie and please yourself – in other words, treat yourself the way you’d want your perfect mate to treat you.
And get ready to experience the magical ways that your self-love celebration will reverberate through your world and up-level and enrich all of your relationships.
I know it has for me.
I married the man of my dreams in a sacred ceremony in Sedona in 2011. It was officiated by a shaman and witnessed by the powerful energy of Red Rock.
During the ceremony, my promise to him was to share the love I harvest in my primary relationship with my Higher Self. And he promised the same.
And even though I now wear my gorgeous vintage engagement ring (we’re not wedding band type of people), the energy and essence of my gratitude ring is still embodied in my ring finger.
It forever reminds me of THE union that is at the foundation for all of my other relationships.
I chose self-love and I’ve never looked back.
And now if you ask my children “Who loves you the most?”, they will instantly reply: “Myself.”
And that makes me damn proud.
Lov-able,
Lana
Lana I just LOVE this story. I can totally relate. I got divorced in 2002. It could have been a terrible experience except it wasn’t. One night, a few days after I got up the nerve to ask my husband for a divorce, I was swimming in my backyard pool under a beautiful starry sky and all I could feel for him was Gratitude. The love just coursed through my whole body.
The next day my once furious husband asked me to lunch and asked that we proceed with the divorce without lawyers. We did. My divorce cost $87 and my ex continues to be a close family member. He was just here for my birthday. This happened because I fell in love with myself.
Silvia, I love your story – you chose yourself! And I’ve noticed that when I chose myself, there is nothing for anyone else to disagree with or fight. What a beautiful way that you released the relationship with your ex the way it was, so that you can allow it to be what it is now!
What a beautiful story Lana! Thank you for sharing this! I am excited to pass this on to a few people immediately who I believe will be inspired and encouraged by reading. I had a parallel experience a few years back and like you, haven’t looked back ever since. It feels SO GOOD to love and trust yourself unconditionally, the way you would want any partner to love you.
Though its been so many years since we have seen one another (miss those Salsamania days!) I have been meaning to tell you just how much your FB activity is so uplifting for me and I look so forward to reading all of your stuff daily. I am so proud of you and the life you are living today. I want you to know how powerful just FB alone can be, and I can imagine how all those people who have you close by, in their daily life must feel, having a CONCENTRATED dose of LANA on a regular basis. Lucky!!
You are a power house lady! So happy for you and all the goodness you are spreading in the world. Thank you, from all these years and miles away, you have no idea how you have touched my life so many times. I really hope to see you again someday. I miss your goofy loving energy and awesome hugs! Much love Lana! Happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for such kind words Rebecca! You just made me heart melt. It makes me so happy to know that my words can support another. I am so glad our paths crossed when we were both salsa crazed and that now we are both self-crazed! I am certain we will see each other again soon!
Lana, this is so beautiful and true! I can absolutely relate and think it is essential that we fall in love with ourselves first. It’s certainly how I got out of my emotionally abusive marriage and walked into a respectful, sacred, and unconditionally loving relationship that I am in now. I feel so blessed to have learned this lesson early on in my life. Thank you for speaking to it and I am SO happy for you as well!
Thank you dear Danielle! I am so happy for you to have found the love within yourself and allowed it to be mirrored in a partnership!
Oh Lana! What a wonderful post!!!
I thought I was the only one. I wear a ring on my left middle finger (gotta find one for my ring finger) that symbolizes my commitment to my Self. It is a constant reminder of my Truth, my values, and where to focus my attention.
Now that I’ve read about you ceremony and celebration, I REALLY want to do that also.
Great post!
Thank you Nneka, I love those kind of visceral reminders of our priorities! I hope you can join the “Marry Yourself” ceremony I’ll be offering as a webinar (or you can register to receive the recording) so you can have the celebration you asked for: https://www.lanashlafer.com/ghangout/marry-me/.
Lana, What a beautiful and touching story! I felt a deep truth and knowing about this idea of marriage to self. I decided that I’m doing this! For a long time I was feeling just like you did… in your relationship and wanting to be seen, to be acknowledged and worthy of “marriage”. As I fall back in love with ME, I realize that all I was looking for was my connection with my highest self. This Valentines day, I will marry me!!!
Karina, yes! I hope you can join the “Marry Yourself” ceremony I’ll be offering as a webinar (or you can register to receive the recording): https://www.lanashlafer.com/ghangout/marry-me/.
Wonderful story, Lana. Moving and so inspiring. I searched for a long time, unhappily, for a mate and although I didn’t go through a ceremony I did come to a point in my 20’s when I made a promise to myself that loving myself was priority. That was the exact moment I decided to follow a life long dream to move to Italy. The wheels started turning and everything fell into place seamlessly. I was alone, and so happy to be alone. I felt whole. Ironically (or not so ironically), 6 months after I moved over seas I met my husband, completely unintentionally. Life and relationships have their ups and downs, but I am always happiest…WE are always happiest when I’m making that commitment to my self love and my own wholeness a priority.
Of course it wasn’t an accident that when you found love within, you found love in a mate Shana! I see that happen all the time with my MasterMind participants and clients. And like our marriages, our primary unions with ourselves require attention on a frequent basis if we want them to feel amazing. Self-care is the best thing for us AND everyone around us.
Years ago I was crazy in love with a man who obviously did not feel the same way. And I questioned why…
I remember thinking… I am sooooo awesome! And if I were a guy.. I’d be all about me!!
…. And now I find myself approaching self love in more of a gentle, quieter, deeper way. I recently bought a locket and put a picture of my 3 year old self in it to be a resource I can go to and remind myself that I am just as precious as that 3 year old was..
Great post. <3
I love connecting with your 3-year old self in such a tender and loving way, what a great idea, thank you Jamie!
LOVE IT. So well written, I feel like celebrating with you! Thank you for sharing x
Let’s celebrate together Candace!
This is awesome Lana, thank you for sharing. I’ve been facing someof my own inner lovers over the past few months and this blog reminded me of the time I got engaged to myself and bought a fake engagement ring and I let friends who did not understand the importanceofthis ritual talk me out of it. Now I now better and I’d love to join the ceremony on Friday and I will be proposing to myself yet again 🙂
Love this! Such a heart opening story!
Lana, I am a woman of few words and am not great at expressing my emotions in words but I wanted to leave you a comment to thank you for writing this and sharing it and allowing it to make its way into my life and touch my soul so deeply. Much love, Susan
Thank you for your kind comment Susan, it makes me so happy to know that!
Beautiful. Thank you for writing about this entire experience.
As a woman who, like many, has had a lifelong struggle to know I am “enough”, I completely relate and applaud your openness.
As a jewelry artist, I am appreciative of the part of your story that tells about the role the ring played in your celebration of commitment to yourself. Such rituals and totems help us express ideas and convictions in a tangible, physical way. We are spiritual beings living in a physical world, and so bringing intention and meaning to physical action helps us stay grounded and awakened. You described it succinctly and beautifully. Bravo!
Thank you for expressing so beautifully your resonance with my experience Kelebek! I love having brick and mortar ways to remind me of who I really am! Thank goodness for talented jewelry artists like you to make that a reality!
Hi Lana, Great idea! ❤️
Oh, Lana! This is BEAUTIFUL!
I am going to take myself out on a date right now!