Confession: recently I got caught up in the hype of ‘helping the world’ through my work.
If you spend time in coaching and speaking circles, you’ll find that there is a lot of talk about wanting to inspire and transform people.
Some would even go so far as to say that their whole mission is to heal others and that they are selflessly devoted to this cause.
This might sound harsh, but I’m gonna call bullshit on that.
I don’t believe that we as human beings are capable of doing anything selflessly. The reality is we can’t take ourselves out of the equation while living in these bodies, on this planet. We are selfish = always seeking to feel good, be definition and by design.
Everything we do is because we believe it will make us feel better by doing it.
Having children is utterly selfish. I became a mother because I wanted to experience being a mother, be awed by the creation of life, and grow personally and spiritually.
Donating time and money to support others is completely self-serving. It makes me SO happy when someone’s face lights up as they are receiving a gift and feeling loved. I feel better about myself when I uplift others.
And anything that I do in my business is totally selfish. I ain’t no saint and that’s a good thing.
I believe that being selfish (which is different from self-centered or ignorant) is sacred. In following our natural desires and inspirations, we reveal the gifts that we were born to share with the world.
For example, I thought that I was selfless when I worked for a company that offered success coaching to university students. I loved that job, but I wasn’t encouraged to coach in the way that felt natural and most powerful to me.
When I tried to ‘selflessly’ follow the company protocol (and get paid crap for all the hours I devoted), I not only cheated my students from the most powerful and healing experiences together, I cheated myself.
That’s why I’ve committed to running my business in the most selfish way possible.
And unlike the puritan thinking that if we follow our natural inclinations, we’ll just be lazy sloths that eat bon bons and have sex all day (which doesn’t sound too bad for a few hours, but not as a lifestyle!), everyone I’ve ever met wants to be valuable and productive.
I’ve experienced that I can give the greatest gifts to the world precisely when I am focusing on pleasing myself most.
Nothing makes me squeal with joy more than seeing my coaching and mastermind clients experiencing momentous ahas and feeling more in love with themselves.
The bliss of sharing my guided meditations, videos or blog posts and knowing that they might add ease, clarity and alignment to someone’s life… that’s the greatest gift in the world!
And I figured out a while ago that if I create products and services to fix you, and not purely for my own bliss, then I see you as less than what you could be.
And I’d rather see you as whole and perfect. I’d rather know the truth of your magnificence just as you are in this moment.
After all, a caterpillar is not an imperfect butterfly – it is perfect just as it is, at every stage.
If I created my programs to offer you remedies for what you are ‘suffering’ from, then I would be seeing you as needing my help. And I would put a whole lot of pressure on myself to deliver something that is outside of my control.
Your joy, your alignment, and your growth is always your decision. The best I can do is offer you what has worked for me and for hundreds of others.
So I do those things in my business that fulfill me at a deep soul level.
The irony is that when we create something from a pure motive of self-inspiration, those that resonate with it are drawn like moths to a flame.
No wonder hundreds of participants have been praising the huge transformation they’ve experienced through my online programs!
When we fill our own cup, and keep it full, we have so much to share with the world!
Now tell me: what do you think about being selfish (or as I call it self-full)? Did you grow up with the idea that it’s bad to put your well-being first? Please leave a comment below!
Sacredly Selfish,
Lana
I love this story! And the email to your newsletter group that went with it. Someone once told me “Your business is there to serve you, not the other way around.” The epitome of sacred selfish work, I think. Right now I have three opportunities to speak and to write and share my perspective with others. I am eschewing the more common attitudes of speakers/writers for this event and instead will be selfishly crafting words of alignment for my own sake.
I am selfishly speaking and writing about subjects where I feel strong, empowering alignment — sex, relationships and sex work. I am selfishly choosing the topics I feel strongest on. I am not worried about whether anyone will hear and understand me, or will read and agree with me because the true reason for my words, the true reason for my being involved, is purely selfish. In having an audience I am inspired and focused on finding better and better ways of connecting to my own already strong alignment on these topics. My words about these topics are purely for my own practicing of those empowering thoughts I already have. It’s for me because it feels good to be aligned. I know that people will be affected by it, but that’s just icing on my already delicious cake.
Love that quote, Rebecca! So glad you are writing and expressing what inspires you – that’s the kind of speakers that I love to watch and learn from!
You bring up an oft-neglected point, Lana. If we run a business too much like a “business” – with long hours, chaos, and strict deadlines (usually self-imposed), we burn out, lose the love for our work, and therefore cannot serve ourselves OR our clients.
Sometimes being selfish is a good thing!
Yes, Lily!!
Lana, please explain “And when we our truly following our highest inspiration…” a little more thoroughly, so I can understand what gifts it is that I have come here to share, b/c I don’t have a clue… although I can relate to giving too much of myself to others until there is nothing of me left. Thanks.
That’s a loaded, and very important questions Angela and one that keeps evolving for me (and I hope for everyone).
In a very general sense, I believe all people have inclinations such as more or less movement, more or less art, more or less public speaking, more or less mathematics, etc. I see that in my children, even though my twins have the same options, they gravitate toward different things.
Then somewhere in our lives we learn what our parents and society values and we direct our focus towards those things that will get us validation, respect, a paycheck…. But Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfery and other people who paved the way by doing something their way, did not follow what they learned, instead they followed what inspired them with consistence and persistence that most people are afraid of.
They were rejected and learned along the way, but they kept honing in on what mattered to them, what lit them up from the inside, what held their thoughts and what brought out the best in them… And that is what I am suggesting by saying “truly following our highest inspiration”.
In my experience, consider all suggestions, but ultimately doing what feels best/most exciting/most inspiring to me is when I feel the most satisfaction and have the greatest results in terms of making an impact.
I believe we make the biggest impact in the world when we are brightly shining our unique light. Then everyone who is attracted to our light can flock like moth to a candle.
What lights you up? What inspires you? What activity when you do it makes you lose time? That’s a clue to your highest excitement and that’s the ticket to living fully on purpose and achieving your wildest dreams!
Love this, Lana. I feel “selfish” about my writing, because as much as I want to teach with it, I always learn more about myself when I write! And writing and teaching make me feel good about myself as well.
I really liked what you said about releasing the expectations about who will receive what you’re creating and not trying to create something you think they “need” or you think would “fix” them. I realized early into the ICA process in B-school that I didn’t want to write my book for who I initially thought my ICA was–those who would “need” it. I realized I didn’t want to attract “needy” people but rather open and curious people instead! Besides that, my defining of those who “needed” it was an unfair judgment of others, because how would I know that those people I was judging as “needing” it would really be drawn to my book or even want to participate in its process?! So glad I realized this before I got any further along!!
So yes, I agree that it’s important to create for ourselves and to attempt to release our creations into the world without judgment. It’s a great enough accomplishment to work through all the fears and stuff that can come up in preparation to put oneself out there in such a way! We always hope people will benefit from our work, but if we’ve included our own enjoyment and release of any unnecessary pressures in the process, it sure will be much more enjoyable! Great post!
I love that you are writing and expressing for yourself, Francine! That’s the kind of person I want to read, listen to and learn from!
I so love this! It’s so true.
Thank you, Alison!
You are so right! I love this post. When I worked for a charity as a major gift development manager I was trained that asking a donor for a stretch gift (more money than they would usually consider donating) was not just amazing for our cause but also amazing for them as giving makes people feel amazing! People give to feel good, and that’s okay!
I now give to feel good, and it DOES feel really bloody good! I’ve also discovered that working on the things that give me the most pleasure and mean the most to me are always the things that really serve people. It’s like magic!
Selfish and proud over here!
It’s nice to have you back Lana, I noticed your hibernation, and completely got it, but missed your presence in my online world x
Love how you think, Lottie! And I especially appreciate you noticing that I was gone in my bear cave, it’s nice to be missed. 🙂
Lana, I couldn’t agree more!
I always say – Of course we are self-centered, who else would we want to be centered around???
xo
That’s a great saying, Laura – so true!
Great post, well written.
Thank you, Richard!
Ah, love this post Lana. I couldn’t agree more. Our own cup must be full before we can ever be of benefit to others.
Thank you Ruzica!
Lana!!!! I LOVE this article! I was cheering after certain paragraphs, when you called bullshit on people doing things ‘selflessly’. And especially about seeing people as whole, not broken. We can facilitate people who are attracted to our techniques but no one can heal another. Its up to that person to allow what they allow and for sure when you’re in alignment with yourself, you inspire others from your example of wholeness, where you can see the wholeness in others. I agree with everything you said and im happy youre writing about this subject:Dt’s so important to understand its not ‘mean’ to be selfish but totally necessary!!
Thank you, Danna! It’s so important to define and own what it means to each of us to live in alignment with our true priorities. Only then can we be of benefit to anyone else.
I love and wholeheartedly agree with your quote and theme that ‘being selfish is sacred’. When we really know that serving our own needs and desires and following our own joy is the key to ‘serving’ the world, then life gets really fun.
I love that my work is truly selfish and it’s true that I do it because it’s so much fun. Of course, I do love to ‘help’ people and their animal friends but above and beyond that I do this work for the thrill of it. I just love the anticipation of meeting new clients (human and animal), of standing in that unknown and just allowing it to unfold beautifully. I adore holding the vision for them and walking with them on their path to wellness … and showing them how to have fun along the way.
The key for me is to notice how much I’m enjoying what I’m doing and to do more of what lights me up the most. It can be a challenge to do that, but it’s very liberating.
In the past there were some parts of my work that I did because it was what other people ‘wanted’ and kept asking for, but it wasn’t my preferred way of working. Once I got ‘selfish’ enough to let that work go and focus on what I loved most I started attracting people who resonate so much more with how I want to work. It’s a win win situation and now my work is blossoming and evolving as I attract people who are a great match for what I now offer and are truly wonderful to work with.
Right now, the most selfish thing I am doing is nurturing myself. It’s listening to my needs more deeply and being brave enough to break out of old ways of working and showing up in the world and instead listening to my own inner wisdom around that more. You example of growing your business in such an aligned and joyful way has been inspirational and so helpful as I find my new way of being now. Thank you Lana <3
Such a great article! I always say that I am selfish which means “full of self”! It is important to be aligned with yourself and bring your gifts to the world! Love the energy here!
Yes, when we allow ourselves to be full of our true selves, we become the blessings we’ve come here to be, Tatiana!
When a person is not whole and complete themselves, they can NEVER give others what they TRULY desire and deserve. In my opinion we have the whole idea of selfishness backwards. When we don’t make ourselves the number one priority to be whole and complete, EVERYONE in our lives gets a fraction of who we are. But don’t THEY deserve our best self? Our whole and complete self? So what’s more selfish; to love ourselves so that we are whole and complete, OR to give someone a fraction of us when THEY deserve our best self? It ALL starts with self love and falling DEEPLY in love with ourselves as the extraordinary human being that we were created to be. It is NOT from an arrogant standpoint, but one of pure love.
Totally agree Brian! Well said! All love is a mirror of self-love.